My Morning Routine: I Lick Everything In The House So It Stays Mine
Growing up in a house with seven children, you learn certain habits that last a lifetime. Much of my morning routine is influenced by daily rituals I’ve been maintaining since childhood. I start every morning bright and early—around 4:00 A.M.—by licking everything I own.
I’ve found that licking everything I own is the most effective method of preventing my shithead brothers from coming in here and trying to take what’s mine. As we all know, spit is the only law, and I have to make sure that I legally own everything in my house or someone else might try to come and lick it for themselves.
If it sounds time consuming to lick every individual thing in your house each morning, that’s because it most definitely is. It’s just not something you can outsource, though. I’ll hire someone to maintain my yard and raise my children, but I like to handle some things personally.
After I’ve finished licking everything, it’s time to exercise, but as so many busy, modern women know, sometimes things come up. Like, did I remember to lick all of my cool art deco lamps? My brother Caspian is really into art deco lamps. If I missed one, I’m sure that he’ll sense it. I’d better double-check everything.
At this point, I’m severely dehydrated. Licking everything in my house won’t matter if it doesn’t get covered in a nice, protective layer of spit. Dermatologists recommend that you drink lots of water to maintain clear growing skin, but they are strangely silent on how much you should drink to get a proper spit coating on everything in your house. I’ve had to learn by trial and error that it’s at least a half gallon per day.
After a mere five hours of licking, I’m ready to call each of my seven siblings and let them know that everything has been licked. Sometimes, it’s hard to get ahold of all of them. Some of them are busy, and lots of them have restraining orders against me, but whenever I manage to get in touch with someone, I make sure they know that if they touch anything in this house, it’s coming with a heaping helping of my spit.
After I explained my morning routine to her, my therapist recommended that I take some time to really think about my choices, so I try to spend a part of each morning doing just that, even if all the licking has left me no time to feed and bathe myself. It’s sort of a mindfulness meditation that I combine with treating the many paper cuts on my tongue. Then it’s off to lick everything in my office!