We Regret To Inform You That Diddy Kong Has Sold Out
It is our unfortunate duty to inform you that Diddy Kong has sold out. The wide-eyed, exuberant chimp who saved Donkey Kong Island from the Kremlings countless times is now a Financial Controller at a mid-level corporate acquisitions firm. He has abandoned his dream of video game glory and is now nothing more than a cog in the corporate machine.
With opportunities to fight Kremlings drying up, Diddy realized that he was going to need a new source of banana coins. When the Financial Controller opportunity popped up, Diddy had to take it if he was going to make rent on his empty treehouse with a single bouncy tire in the middle of the floor.
The days are now long and monotonous for Diddy—nothing like his time swinging through the jungle on ropes and throwing barrels at vultures. “We can tell he doesn’t want to be here,” said a coworker. “He comes to meetings, sure, but the second they’re over, he just cartwheels out of there. The guy moves so fast. Way faster than Donkey Kong.”
And taking this new job has not come without a cost to Diddy’s mental health. “I don’t know him well enough to say anything, but I think he’s depressed,” said another one of Diddy’s coworkers. “He hasn’t even noticed the Bonus Barrel hanging above his cubicle.”
Thankfully, Diddy seems to have a support system in place. His therapist continually reminds him that he’s only in a bad situation right now—taking this job doesn’t mean he can never be a video game hero again. It just means that, for the time being, he has to take steps to ensure his financial security, and that does not make him a failure. Diddy’s therapist is a frog he broke out of a crate that he can also ride.
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